I Make Long Facebook Statuses

A long time ago in an internet far away, Facebook limited the number of characters you could use in your status. Seriously, if you exceeded the arbitrary and astonishingly short length the company thought was necessary to convey a complete thought, you’d receive a dialog box rather coldly stating that your status was too long.

This was much to my chagrin, but like the baby elephant tied to the stump I was trained to keep my Facebook statuses short and sweet long after they removed the restrictions and allowed posts long enough to overrun all known civilization.

Lately, however, I find the length of my posts to be creeping back up there into the stratosphere. Fifty words. A hundred. I believe I recently published my first 200 word post the other day. And, you know what? I’m perfectly okay with that!

Facebook had long been marred down by mindless link-sharing and endless advertisements, a necessary evil due to the fact that everyone’s on it and we’re all waking around with smartphones growing out of our left wrists. I am but one individual, but perhaps I can do my part in attempting to turn the tide. To make Facebook a place of contemplative philosophy, not trite expressions that do nothing for nobody. A place of individual art and photography, not another dreadful meme affixed to a cutting opinion.

We’re all sick with a virus that we keep on catching, unwilling to sanitize the problem for fear we might lose our high technology as a consequence. But our disease is making us bitter, and making us see the world, or rather a digital symbol of it, as an ugly place.

So I will make long Facebook statuses, even if they don’t get any “likes.” (Though strangely, they often do.) I’m done caring about little red numbers at the top of my screen. My hope is that you are at that point too, because if you are, you can be a part of making things better. Post a long Facebook status. Post something original. Post a video of you doing something cool. Whatever you want to do, just post something different that the link-bait fueled mess bludgeoning us with opinions that the lowest-tier social media has become. People are better than that.


Five Reasons You Should Completely Ignore This Blog Post

You can’t help it! It’s out there. You’ve got your hand on the mouse or your finger on the phone and it sits there with an otherworldly glow. Oh no, it’s a link! Suddenly a combination of morbid curiosity and compassion for people you don’t even know intermingle and before you know it you’ve arrived. You’ve arrived in the promised land of… advertisement filled pages and underwhelming writing. You beat back all of the pop-ups to continue reading until finally there’s that one sentence that arouses your nostalgia or fiery rage enough to click the share button. And that’s the circle of life on the internet. Lies and rumors on the internet prosper, and we’re all victims of it. Continue reading

Five Fictitious Disorders That Might As Well Be Real

What needs saying? There are some things that aren’t diagnosed, but need to be. I present these five disorders to the medical community.

1. Apologizing for Your Existence Syndrome (AYES)

By far the most rampant and ferocious disease that runs rampant in today’s culture is actually rooted in humility. The problem is that’s it’s gone too far.

Oops, I accidentally brushed into you in a crowded room. “Sorry.”
Oops, I accidentally entered into a five foot radius of you with my cart in the grocery store. “Sorry.”
Oops, you accidentally tripped when I was across the hall. “Sorry.”

We say sorry so much, it’s like we’re apologizing for our own existence.

2. So Many Selfies Syndrome (SMSS)

Myspace used to be contagious with this. The Facebook came, then Instagram. But SMSS has a new home. Snapchat. Every single picture is a selfie.

3. Starbucks and Ugg Boots Disorder (SUBD)

Also known in some more racists circles as common white girl problem. Since I don’t own a pair of Ugg Boots, I only have the Starbucks part of this disorder. *Sips on Cafe Verona.*

4. Smartphones in Class Disease (SCD)

Since I am working my way up the ranks and will be an instructor next semester, this disease has become more noticeable to me.
Wait, no… I was just checking the time. I promise!

5. Short Attention Spans. 

Also known as the thing that makes me have to keep blogs to 250 words or less. Thanks a lot.

Word count: 240 words.

about the author