Five Important Pieces of Breakup Advice

I am not naive. I know that no relationship is the same, and so to answer this question with any kind of direct statements would be nothing but naive. I also know that no relationship is black and white, and each one consists of individual nuances unique to the couple. For the guy and the girl, or any combination of the such, any point you get to past “friendly dating” means there are intense emotional strings that tie the two together. Breaking up is one of the most difficult things to do in life, no matter what kind of emotional disposition the two of you have in the relationship.

A person usually comes to the point of wanting to break up when he/she doesn’t see a real future (up to and including marriage) for the relationship. He may see the girl as “bad for him.” She may see him as “too clingy” or having no real potential to start a family. To be frank, it doesn’t matter who in the relationship feels this way, when those thoughts creep in it can be quite legitimate grounds for a break up.

I don’t presume to be able to write a full-fledged “breakup guide” because, like I said, no two relationships are the same. But I can try to help a little bit. Keep these five things in mind when planning to deliver the bad news.

1. Do not procrastinate.

Do not drag out a relationship because you are looking forward to that Valentine’s Day date or going to see that big concert together (or, you know, prom). Critical relationship events are worth more than that. That kind of thinking will only serve to damage the two of you and it forces you to endure high stress a little bit longer. Sure, breakups cause more immediate pain, but it is far better than long term speculation and stress caused by suspension. 

2. Suspension is an incorrect strategy.

Do not give the person you are with any false hope. Don’t say “maybe sometime in the future” or “I just need some time.” Allow the person to simply move on; time to adjust and try to rebuild his/her life. And try to avoid jealous when seeing them talking to other people. Most importantly, don’t say “I love you” during a breakup to try to console him or her. You don’t, or you won’t forever, and that’s okay.

3. Off and on relationships suck.

 You can’t “ween a person off of you.” On/off relationships are the ultimate form of keeping people in suspense, and I’m pretty sure should be classified as torture. Am I saying you can never ever get back with that person? No. You never really know what will ultimately happen in your life. But don’t count on it. Sometimes, like Summer and Tom from (500) Days of Summer, it’s just not meant to be. Instead, try to let new relationships develop organically. 

4. You may not be able to salvage the friendship.

I’m so sorry. As important as this person was to you, breakups are often the self-destruct button for a friendship, no matter how close you two were before the relationship. This is often an unavoidable consequence of a breakup, and there’s often nothing you can do about it. Breakups come with a price, and this is often it.

5. Avoid Rebound Relationships

Rebound relationships make a lot of people mad. They make your ex mad, you mad, and the person you got with mad. Have you ever heard a happily married person say, “I married a person I was in a rebound relationship with?”
No?
Me neither.

I know it’s tough, but eventually you will move on. Just like with a death or injury, the pain subsides eventually. Time passes, people change, and you eventually find the person you’ll find true happiness with.

Five Signs Your Significant Other is Your Kindred Spirit

When you’ve been in a relationship with someone for over six years, some strange things begin to happen. It’s like your souls become a part of some kind of harmonic convergence, and you two suddenly become each other’s kindred spirits. How do I know? Well, it’s happened to me. Here are some signs that you and your significant other have become kindred spirits. Continue reading

Grey Area Boyfriend Tips: Don’t Share Your Food

Girls have a simple code when it comes to eating:

1. Anything I eat can and will make me fat.
2. Except the food I “share” with my boyfriend.

This is especially apparent when going out to eat at a restaurant. Have you ever noticed how your girlfriend takes about a fourth of your fries, eats several “bites” of your sandwich, and drinks several “sips” of your beverage. In limited capacity this can be a great relationship building experience, perhaps even romantic. You get to share in the mutual relationship emotions of tasting good food, and girls get to eat food with no calories or fat.

However, there are many guys who don’t like being, you know, hungry. Or, like me, they’re germophobic.

Now, I don’t condone manipulation in relationships. Covert behavior leads to a trail of dishonesty and lies, which destroys amazing friendships. It breaks down communication. But, well, that doesn’t mean a little bit of strategy can’t be a good thing.

Here’s how to avoid letting your girlfriend steal your food. Also note that, girls, this works the EXACT same way for you if your boyfriend likes to eat your food. I’m just a guy, so this is my perspective.

Know your girlfriend. In the early months of your relationship, you found out what your girlfriend’s favorite foods are. You’ll also know what foods she hates. Use that knowledge to your advantage.

Develop special tastes. Two people cannot have identical tastes. Try new things. Acquire a taste for oysters, corned beef, or root beer. You may find you love some unusual things.

Order things that oppose her tastes. While she plays it safe when at a restaurant, go for something different. For example, when I don’t want to share, I’ll order a Reuben. I love the sour taste, but she can’t stand it. I love the deep taste of root beer, but she hates it.

Make things difficult to share. The messier, the better. Things she can’t pick up with her hands are the best. Avoid fries, onion rings, or mini-sandwiches. Even go for things that mess up when approaching with a fork, like rice or noodles. She may go for one or two stabs, but will give up soon enough.

Disguise self-interest as kindness. Finally, this one is a little sneaky. It is well known that girls have to go to the bathroom often. While she’s gone, flag down a server and order her a drink that matches yours. This will let her have her own, and she’ll no longer be interested in yours.

You can still be a great boyfriend and have a good time. But sometimes you just don’t want to share your food. There’s nothing wrong with that.

My First Kiss

Again, for you literalists, no Nikki was not the first girl that I kissed. But you’ve got to understand, that hatchet is WAYYYYY buried. So, no you’re not going to get a blog on my literal first kiss. Instead, you’re getting a blog on the first kiss that I claim.

And get that dang 3OH!3 song out of your head! It’s not wholesome at all.

Also, this post is still in honor of my five year dating anniversary with Nikki. It was just too long to put in the last post.

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Okay, so this was us way way way back in the day, when I was 17 and she was 15. Yep, I took Nikki (who was in 8th grade) to my junior prom back in the infancy – no, the conception – of our relationship. And it was brilliant, as we would go on to start dating a few days later.

Before prom we ate at the late Ox Yoke Steakhouse in Wetumpka.

Funny story about that, actually. Nikki was not used to being all dressed up, wearing heels, and having such a big poofy dress. While walking out of the restaurant, she knocked over some poor old man’s cane. This caused a loud clash, silencing the whole room. Everybody looked at us. Shame on you, Nikki.

Anyway, during that time we talked as friends, but we had more chemistry than any couple in my class ever had. At prom we, quite awkwardly, tried to dance. However, we spent most of time talking and looking into each other’s lovely eyes.

Okay, so I know this is ridiculously sugary, so here’s a picture of two fighting bears to break the tension.

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Anyway, so some of you might know all of that. What you don’t know is what happened after prom. #notwhatyouthink

Our “friendly conversation” was culminating as we enjoyed M&M McFlurries in the McDonald’s parking lot after we left the civic center. I drove her home…

And, there in the driveway of her house, we looked at one another for the first time with genuine romantic affection. Our eyes met and we knew we were going to kiss.

And we did.

And it was awesome.

But also awkward.

And yet still, I think very fondly of that night and that kiss. It was the icebreaker. It was the threshold from being friends to being much more than that. And now, we share a relationship so close nobody can break it.

So, that’s the story of my first kiss.

Special Five Year Anniversary Post

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Today is April 15. Most of the world knows it as Tax Day, bane of procrastinators and independent contractors everywhere. I, however, know it as my dating anniversary with my wonderful girlfriend, Nikki.

Let me tell you a little about what we did for our anniversary.

We got married.

Nah, just kidding. You see, while Cupid, the Greek god of affection, may have it in for us, Hymenaeus, the Greek God of marriage, seems to have other plans.

And no you literalists, I don’t actually believe in the ancient Greek gods. I was just using them as entertaining examples. I believe in the one true God. Moving on.

No, we didn’t get married. We did, however, go to Atlanta.

Oh, did you know that Atalanta was the Greek goddess of running? Sorry, I got off on a bit of a tangent there.

I wish Nikki and I could have done much more for 5 years, but being the starving college student that I am, funds are at a premium.

We helped the Braves win 6 to 3, by the way. We both had a great time.

So I suppose you want to know about gifts. Well, this was mine:

603620_770924356253952_3477130855683763702_nI wrapped it in dates from my Books-A-Million calender club calender because, isn’t it obvious, it was our date. Inside was a video game she’d been wanting forever. I also got her some Braves swag: a Braves tank top and cap. See the picture above.

And what did she get me? Well, she went all out…

d.19360502She got me this mizpah necklace. We both now wear one half every day.

In short, mizpah means watchtower. The necklaces symbolizes God (the real one) watching over us while Nikki and I are separated. God put us in each others lives to honor him, and these necklaces are a symbol of our mission to do just that.

I don’t know where I’ll be in five years. But one thing I do know is that, barring catastrophe beyond my control, Nikki will be in it. 

Valentine’s Day With My Girlfriend

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All right, I’ve kept you in suspense long enough. Here’s how our Valentine’s day weekend went down. 

I wasn’t able to see Nikki on Valentine’s Day proper. Why? Because the dang AUM Provost office decided to reschedule canceled classes from the KILLER SNOW AND ICE STORM to Valentine’s Day. Just to ruin everyone’s fun. We’re college students. We don’t need time for relationships…

So, Thursday, the day before Valentine’s Day, I surprised my girl with flowers and chocolate. Because I’m too hipster to give her flowers on the actual Valentine’s Day. Also, roses are overrated so I got her sunflowers and daises instead. 

And then Valentine’s Day I went to school. So that was that…

No, it was the day after V-Day that we celebrated. There’s a couple of reasons for that.

  • Restaurants aren’t nearly as crowded.
  • It gives me an opportunity to hit up the 50% off Valentine’s stuff at Wal-Mart.
  • It falls on our 10 month anniversary. For example, yesterday we were dating for 4 years and 10 months.

So, what did we do? Well, we went to Prattville, a town of considerable sentiment to both of us. We had our first date as a couple at Olive Garden in Prattville. and so that’s where we went for dinner. But first we tried out the new Starbucks there. 

Nikki and I have a tradition to go watch crappy romance movies on Valentine’s Day. So in the vane of Valentine’s Day (the movie), The Roommate, The Vow, and Warm Bodies, this year we saw Endless Love. Which was okay, but that’s not the point.

But, what did I get her? Well… Nikki doesn’t ask for traditional Valentine gifts. She wanted workout equipment. Seriously, over the past year she’s told me several things she’s needed to help exercise. So I got her a lot of things:

  • Animal Crackers. Because that’s her favorite snack! 
  • A Big Kiss. The candy. Because she got me one our first V-Day.
  • A Box of Chocolates. Why not?
  • X-Men First Class. I found the movie for a great deal.
  • Face Sunscreen. It’s going to be beach weather at some point.
  • A Back Scratcher. Because I can’t always be there to scratch her back.
  • Hair Bands. All girls need them.
  • Socks. Who doesn’t love socks?
  • A Jump Rope. She doesn’t actually know how. It’s good cardio, though.
  • 2 Knee Braces. Helps prevent injury.
  • A Large Body Ball. Talk about frustrating to pump up.
  • Frederick the Dalmatian. Isn’t he cute? 

And that’s what I got her for Valentine’s Day. But, you may be wondering what she got me.

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She either got me pink high heels or brand new Navy Converses. Since I’m a guy with big feet, I’ll let you decide.

The Converses are awesome, by the way. I love them.

So, what did you do for your significant other on V-Day? Let me know in the comments.

 

The Ultimate Guide to Pet Names

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It’s not easy, but it’s necessary.

Pet names, or terms of endearment, seem to be an essential part of a relationship between a couple. While they may seem annoying, it’s almost as if pet names provide an extra layer of security in a relationship. While they may seem uncomfortable, you’ve gotta use them. And if you’ve gotta use them, you might as well use them well. It’s taken me 4 and a half years, but I think I’ve gotten pretty good at it. Here are some tips and helpful advice for those who are amateurs in the field of terms of endearment.

It’s got to SEEM natural.

Pet names are never natural, even if you’ve been married for many years, but don’t tell your significant other that. Vary both the words and the pitch of your voice in order to deliver the winning lines effectively. You want to sound like you’re talking to your Baby like a baby.

…but not too much like a baby. That’d just be condescending.

The more unnatural sounding the phrase, the better.

In seemingly direct contrast to my last point, for some reason or another couples like to call each other really awkward things. It helps create a unique identity for the relationship. You almost MUST refer to food on a constant basis, from Cutie-Pie to Baby-Cakes.

Oh, and seriously don’t take too long to mentally envision the idea of a “baby-cake.”

I’ve also heard couples call each other things that refer to fat or things that make you that way. Things like “Chunky Monkey” and “Cupcake.”

Select your words with precision.

I always follow this simple rule of thumb. Never use a pet name that deviates two syllables or more from your previous word. For example, you never want follow the word “you” with “Cuddly-Wubbly.” Short words produce short pet names, and long words set up for effective long names.

Capitalization.

This one is tough. When using pet names in texts or letters, do you capitalize the first letter or not? After all, you are substituting their name for this piece of affectionate fluff. Wouldn’t it make since to capitalize out of respect for the relationship. In the other hand, it looks really really awkward. I mean, of the following, which really looks better?

“I love you, Sweetie.”
“I love you, sweetie.”

This is worth contemplating. I suppose you could circumvent the problem by using all capitol letters, but I mean really…

“I LOVE YOU BABY!!!” makes you sound like an overexuberant freak.

I don’t know what to tell you, but I use capitol letters for every pet name. But that’s my inner grammar nerd talking. .

Hyphens?

Yes, please use hyphens. Also, for the love of attractive letters, capitalize every word of the hyphenated compound. Kissy-Face looks WAY better than Kissy-face, kissy-Face, or kissy-face.

People love to be reminded of their eye color.

Brown-Eyes, Blue-Eyes, Green-Eyes. I mean, how can you get more affectionate than that?

You must have at least one made up name.

By the order of the gods of inside jokes, you must have that one special term of endearment for that one special someone. Calling your respective lover that is like wrapping a warm, protective blanket around them in the middle of winter. So unleash your inner desire to call your girlfriend Fruity Loop or your boyfriend Goober-Butt.

But what do I know. I suck at pet names. That’s why I wrote this blog post about it.