Your Twitter feed is full of complaints and criticisms about how guys talk to girls. It seems like everywhere you go, there’s another list of things guys need to stop saying to girls. But that just leaves guys in a vacuous void of awkwardness. What exactly do guys say to girls? I’m here to help!
Well, here’s the key. Girls respond best when you become their friend, not comment on their physical attributes. They’re rarely interested in hearing jarring remarks about their butt or about how “hot” you think they are. Most of them (especially the really good ones) are interesting in establishing a trustworthy communication-centered relationship, and a relationship is honestly not formed in a day. It takes years. So here are some things you can say to make better relationships.
1. Say: Tell me about yourself.
Girls like to talk. Girls like to talk a lot. They especially like to talk about themselves. I mean, really, who doesn’t like to talk about themselves. Let them. If you’re truly interested in a girl, this will be some of the most important information you can find out. You’ll find out cool intel like what kind of flowers she likes, if she’s into football, or if she prefers cats to dogs. You can strategically use this information in future encounters. But, more importantly, allowing her to talk about herself conveys the idea that you genuinely care.
1b. Ask: How was your day?
Once you know everything about a girl, this is a good replacement question. Let them tell you about their day, and just listen. They’ll talk about it for literally hours (and then claim that they didn’t).
2. Ask: What’s you’re favorite ____?
This may seem very elementary school, but it’s still a good launching point for conversation. Play favorites instead of jumping into serious advances. Remember that intel I was talking about earlier? It’s the perfect opportunity to gather some of it. Get creative! There are a lot of things in the world. What’s he favorite food? What’s her favorite thing to watch on Netflix? What’s her favorite flower? But, you know, make sure she’s into football before asking who her favorite middle linebacker is. Sometimes you just have to hold back.
3. Ask: What’s wrong?
Guys, myself included, are often highly solution oriented. We want to fix a problem as soon as it comes up. For girls, though, often the struggle is as important as finding a solution. It helps them grow as an individual, and sometimes guys could learn a thing or two from that philosophy. They will often be wrestling with a problem. Resist the urge to offer an immediate solution. Just ask her what’s wrong, listen, and let her solve it herself. Often all she needs is to discuss things with someone she likes to talk to.
4. Say: You’re pretty.
All right, so if you’re going to compliment a girl on her physical appearance, you have to do it in a specific way. Call her pretty. If you’re feeling really brave, you can use the word beautiful. Don’t use any phrases that reference sex appeal, because that’s uncomfortable. Then go on to notice specific things. Say something like “I like your hair/dress/eyes.” Girls like to be complimented on things they’ve worked hard on, like appearance. It’s certainly a unique structure, but one well worth embracing.
That’s all there is to it. And if you’re worried about getting friend-zoned, don’t. Friendship is the core of even a marriage relationship. Anyway, it kind of does guys good to be in the friend zone. It forces you to actually build that relationship with a girl.
The key is constant communication. It’s really that simple.
[This post was originally published on August 28, 2014. It’s been revised and republished because, frankly, I’m a better writer now.]